Thursday, February 12, 2015

Loving, Unlovely

The other day I was out shopping with my hubby for the perfect gift to give our first born daughter on her 2nd Birthday. 

We were so excited to hand her off to Aunt Jeri and Uncle Kirk and snuck away to get her Birthday present.

As usual, when we reunite I expect a "Mommy! I missed you!" hugs and kisses soon to follow.

But instead she says, "I don't like my parents. I don't want to go with you."

Gut wrenching. I never wanted to hear her say these words. Then it got worse.

"Piper, you don't really mean that we have fun too, tell Jeri and Kirk 'Thank you' and come with us."

She looked right into my eyes
"I don't like YOU."

Tears welled without permission in my eyes as I tried to gain control of my emotions. My hubby had a little chat with her about talking mean and talking nice "and that was not nice, that was very mean and it hurt Mommy."

I felt the tip of an iceberg.

I felt just a tiny bit of rejection that a parent feels from their child. Piper didn't know the hurt she caused just the pleasure and fun she was having and didn't want to leave it. But it made me think.

I felt a little bit of what many parents feel when their child jumps ship and rejects the way they were raised in a loving home.

I felt a tiny bit of what a child feels abandoned by a parent.

I felt a little bit of what a spouse feels when the other spouse says "I'm leaving I don't love you anymore." after years together.

I felt a little bit of what a Pastor and His wife feel when a Church member leaves the church: "What you said/did offends me and I'm not coming back."

I felt a tiny microscopic bit of what God, Man kinds' Creator, feels every day from billions across the world.

"God, I don't need you."

"God, I don't believe in you."

"God, I hate you."

I was 9 years old.
I felt unloved and decided to run away. My parents didn't need me.
No one loved
So I shoved every piece of clothing I had in a bag, I still remember the orange flower print busting at the seams as I zipped it up, I put on my rain coat and boots and announced my departure. My mother (probably feeling like crying), turned her face . My Dad didn't really believe me but followed to the door.

"Becky, please don't go, I love you, we all love you, don't go." said so tenderly from my tall, red bearded Daddy.

*Sniff* "No, you guys don't need me."

I walked half way up the dirt road and I heard him yell, "BECKY, COME HOME RIGHT NOW, I LOVE YOU!"

He ran in the rain,  through the mud in his white socks to scoop me up in his strong arms and carry me home.

I never felt more loved in my life by my parents then that day. I rejected them but they still loved me and came after me. 

Early teens I was sitting in a church pew at summer camp.

"When you get accept Jesus Christ into your heart you give your life to God, now he is in charge and you have to obey His word." a preacher preached.

I wanted to have fun, I wanted to make my own decisions and I DID NOT want to be a foreign missionary.

So I told God, "Eh, my way is better. I will run my own life."

My best friends' family were the opposite of mine. They were always "having a good time"  not a lot of rules to obey and went away on week ends while I had to go to church. She had a step-dad that cheated on her mom and they ended up getting a divorce. It was awful. I felt like it was happening to me, my friend and I were so close and I realized on the outside they might be "having fun" but on the inside they were empty and hurting.

Right after that I decided God was going to run my life and even if bad things happened "He will never leave thee nor forsake thee." I wanted God back. He was always asking me to follow Him and I had rejected Him over and over again but not this time. Not with this tug at my heart.

I tried to explain my decision to my friend but she didn't want to understand. I tried pleading with her. I was rejected. We stayed friends until her lifestyle and mine were so opposite- she couldn't stand being friends with a "Jesus freak" and I wasn't going to parties or dances with her. I'm still saddened when I think of how her life has turned out without God.

Isaiah and I had a very strict courtship, we chose it that way to reach our goal of saving our first kiss until the wedding day. We lived over 60 miles apart and my love language is quality time. 

At one point I told him we should break up because he didn't love me. I was making all the plans to see each other but I just wasn't feeling loved. He persisted and insisted that we stay together, I was the only girl for him. He really did love me and would make it a priority to show it in other ways since we didn't get to see of each other that much. I have a lot of love letters shouting his love and admiration for me. He planned fun dates that we could take a parent or sibling along. He invested in me and won my heart. God provided for my needs using Isaiah. I was lonely before I met him. Now we have each other, we are a team. I love him so much and don't deserve him. I'm thankful Isaiah loved me even when I hurt him.

Back to the story of my daughter...

So later that night when we brought Piper home. I bathed her, combed her sweet smelling hair, cuddled her.

"Mommy, you are the best."

"Piper, God is the best and I'm glad He gave you to me."

Everyone has a choice to accept or reject the love of God that He extends to us.
And I can testify the past two years have been the hardest and happiest of my life! I'm so thankful God was with me when I felt so alone. When there was no one He was always there extending His love to me. His way is BEST!

He has invested in us. He gave us His only son to die for our sins when time after time human kind has disobeyed and rejected Him.
So I plead with you as a mother pleads for the love of her child,
Accept Christ, and live for him who died for you!

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." 

Romans 10:9

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