Loving, Unlovely

The other day I was out shopping with my hubby for the perfect gift to give our first born daughter on her 2nd Birthday. 

We were so excited to hand her off to Aunt Jeri and Uncle Kirk and snuck away to get her Birthday present.



As usual, when we reunite I expect a "Mommy! I missed you!" hugs and kisses soon to follow.

But instead she says, "I don't like my parents. I don't want to go with you."

Gut wrenching. I never wanted to hear her say these words. Then it got worse.

"Piper, you don't really mean that we have fun too, tell Jeri and Kirk 'Thank you' and come with us."

She looked right into my eyes
"I don't like YOU."

Tears welled without permission in my eyes as I tried to gain control of my emotions. My hubby had a little chat with her about talking mean and talking nice "and that was not nice, that was very mean and it hurt Mommy."


I felt the tip of an iceberg.


I felt just a tiny bit of rejection that a parent feels from their child. Piper didn't know the hurt she caused just the pleasure and fun she was having and didn't want to leave it. But it made me think.

I felt a little bit of what many parents feel when their child jumps ship and rejects the way they were raised in a loving home.

I felt a tiny bit of what a child feels abandoned by a parent.

I felt a little bit of what a spouse feels when the other spouse says "I'm leaving I don't love you anymore." after years together.

I felt a little bit of what a Pastor and His wife feel when a Church member leaves the church: "What you said/did offends me and I'm not coming back."

I felt a tiny microscopic bit of what God, Man kinds' Creator, feels every day from billions across the world.

"God, I don't need you."

"God, I don't believe in you."

"God, I hate you."


I was 9 years old.
I felt unloved and decided to run away. My parents didn't need me.
No one loved me....me...me...me.
So I shoved every piece of clothing I had in a bag, I still remember the orange flower print busting at the seams as I zipped it up, I put on my rain coat and boots and announced my departure. My mother (probably feeling like crying), turned her face . My Dad didn't really believe me but followed to the door.

"Becky, please don't go, I love you, we all love you, don't go." said so tenderly from my tall, red bearded Daddy.

*Sniff* "No, you guys don't need me."

I walked half way up the dirt road and I heard him yell, "BECKY, COME HOME RIGHT NOW, I LOVE YOU!"

He ran in the rain,  through the mud in his white socks to scoop me up in his strong arms and carry me home.

I never felt more loved in my life by my parents then that day. I rejected them but they still loved me and came after me. 


Early teens I was sitting in a church pew at summer camp.

"When you get accept Jesus Christ into your heart you give your life to God, now he is in charge and you have to obey His word." a preacher preached.

I wanted to have fun, I wanted to make my own decisions and I DID NOT want to be a foreign missionary.

So I told God, "Eh, my way is better. I will run my own life."

My best friends' family were the opposite of mine. They were always "having a good time"  not a lot of rules to obey and went away on week ends while I had to go to church. She had a step-dad that cheated on her mom and they ended up getting a divorce. It was awful. I felt like it was happening to me, my friend and I were so close and I realized on the outside they might be "having fun" but on the inside they were empty and hurting.

Right after that I decided God was going to run my life and even if bad things happened "He will never leave thee nor forsake thee." I wanted God back. He was always asking me to follow Him and I had rejected Him over and over again but not this time. Not with this tug at my heart.

I tried to explain my decision to my friend but she didn't want to understand. I tried pleading with her. I was rejected. We stayed friends until her lifestyle and mine were so opposite- she couldn't stand being friends with a "Jesus freak" and I wasn't going to parties or dances with her. I'm still saddened when I think of how her life has turned out without God.


Isaiah and I had a very strict courtship, we chose it that way to reach our goal of saving our first kiss until the wedding day. We lived over 60 miles apart and my love language is quality time. 

At one point I told him we should break up because he didn't love me. I was making all the plans to see each other but I just wasn't feeling loved. He persisted and insisted that we stay together, I was the only girl for him. He really did love me and would make it a priority to show it in other ways since we didn't get to see of each other that much. I have a lot of love letters shouting his love and admiration for me. He planned fun dates that we could take a parent or sibling along. He invested in me and won my heart. God provided for my needs using Isaiah. I was lonely before I met him. Now we have each other, we are a team. I love him so much and don't deserve him. I'm thankful Isaiah loved me even when I hurt him.



Back to the story of my daughter...

So later that night when we brought Piper home. I bathed her, combed her sweet smelling hair, cuddled her.

"Mommy, you are the best."

"Piper, God is the best and I'm glad He gave you to me."






Everyone has a choice to accept or reject the love of God that He extends to us.
And I can testify the past two years have been the hardest and happiest of my life! I'm so thankful God was with me when I felt so alone. When there was no one He was always there extending His love to me. His way is BEST!

He has invested in us. He gave us His only son to die for our sins when time after time human kind has disobeyed and rejected Him.
So I plead with you as a mother pleads for the love of her child,
Accept Christ, and live for him who died for you!


"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." 

Romans 10:9

Being a Wife is F-U-N

I miss my book..actually it isn't mine although I wish it was I borrowed it from my mom, who borrowed it from her dear friend (who is now my MIL). And now it is in the hands of my sister who is soon to be a wife.
It's the book everyone hates- but I love ... few love it. So what does this book have to do with how much fun I'm having being a wife?
EVERYTHING!!! almost...but pretty much
I think I started reading it when Isaiah and I started courting- 3 yrs ago
I started reading it because I wanted to be a good wife, a godly wife and I wanted a fun, loving marriage that honored God.
I saw the author even though she is old has a very cheerful face and by the picture and articles he's written her husband adores her.
This book has changed me, every way I react is different than I know I would have if I had not read this book.
I'm not saying I'm perfect just different in a better way than I would have been.
Isaiah and I are married for life and I don't want to be the grumpy old couple in the grocery store who can't stand each other and are arguing over what kind of hot dog buns to buy...GEE glad to get that one off my chest.
I want what every romantic girl wants....the old couple holding hands...they still have that "in love" look in their eyes and the joy bursting out of their hearts. I heard you figure out how selfish you are after you get married.
Or how many opportunities you get to be unselfish.
I remember on our honeymoon........
"Honey, could you scratch my back?"
"Sure babe!"
Day 2
"Honey, could you scratch my back?"
"Yep"
Day 3
Same
Day 4
Same
Day 5
Same
And it's not 'you scratch my back I'll scratch yours'

It's I Rebekah will be scratching your back, arms, legs, hands he likes his arms and hands scratched anytime we are just sitting together everyday for the rest of your life! That's right no one else is going to be scratching him....he loves it and no one but ME will be doing it...forever.

Weird thing is....I used to be thinking...ugh, here we go again... and now I actually like it...like he doesn't even have to hardly ask me anymore- I enjoy tracing trees, flowers, a sunshine, a beach, twin boys his back with my finger tips. Each time he asks me to do something I see it as another way to show my love to him.

Actions speak louder than words.
I read that in an American girl book when I was little and it stuck- I say it to myself every day and ask what are my actions saying?
Do they shout" I LOVE YOU !".

This book has also taught me to be playful.
We get some weird looks from our family but it's just the way we play- yes, we turn into five year olds and giggle but it keeps us say ' Man, you are so much fun to be around! Yesterday I saw a pair of his pants lying on the chair in our bed room and decided to be silly. I ran into the living room and shouted
' Now look who's wearing the pants in the family?'
giggly and running for dear life he chased me and um...got his pants back ;) we love the chasing game we play it every day chase me chase me CATCH ME KISS ME! We love to play.

God first, Isaiah second and then me- I still need a lot of work on that but I find on the days I don't pray before I talk to Isaiah and I don't read my bible with him- those are the bad days and we have had few and it takes a few mins to realize- hey we started this day wrong can we start over?
We have had the sweetest moments in prayer. We haven't gone through a lot except a lot of transition, a lot of I have no idea what to expect, a few of this is what I thought we should be doing and this is what God had for us instead and what comes with that is the weirdest unnatural peace that is not of this world.
Sometimes I look back and think ' Why was I not freaking out then?' Oh, yes God was there with His arms around us. We were never left alone on this trail many have taken but all are different.

The most important thing I learned was Gods' plan for the wife. I am a help meet for Isaiah. That is my number one calling from the day I said "I do" no thing comes before my husbands need of me. Sorry girlfriends and all that crap about you being closer and understanding me better- there is no closer knit relationship than a husband and wife. Two become one. He is my best friend, my other half, my lover, my leader.
He is my husband, I am very proud and happy to say I am your wife.